Dream(s)
by TheKats
Summary: Back of your conscience is quiet odd place, Blair!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N Ok guys, the following story is a dream I had yesteraday (please don't judge me or compare me to some authors that actually published books based on dreams) about Blair and Dan. It was very POV, like I was in Blair's body or maybe just seeing everything from a very close perspective of hers, even during the dream I was thinking "I will have to write this down"._

_Oh well, they're stuck in the back of my conscience so here how it was. I decorated the dream with some more sentences so it won't happen out of nowhere. Read and hopefully enjoy :D_

* * *

Chuck and she are…together but not together. It's already a routine she accepted she'll participate in, so whenever someone asks her about their relation she gives plain answers avoiding eye contact. Whenever she tries to ask Chuck about them he does the same.

Eleanor freaks out one day when Blair does a very beginner's mistake at work and fires her in front of the staff. She practically yells at her things like "You know that being powerful woman is not an actual career" or "I had high school kids on internship with more sense for business. Go home and finish college for Christ sake!"

Everyone is silent, Blair's eyes are filling with tears and the worst thing is Jenny is there. But Jenny has a diploma from a very prestigious London fashion college in her pocket, an experience and talent. She looks at her, but Jenny doesn't look back. She gets her things and quietly leaves her mother's studio.

…

She was avoiding opening her college drawer for months. Not that she didn't plan to finish her education but… life happened, she got deluded with her surreal fairy tale dreams and goals. She gets the books out, arranges them on her bed and decides that she has to go to college the following day. It'll be hard, but she has to do it. She will prove everyone wrong.

"Powerful woman is not a career, my ass…" – She mumbles, remembering those same words coming out of someone else's mouth.

….

She goes to NYU the following day, feeling idiotic and like she doesn't belong there with a terrible feeling of insecurity, but of course nobody can even sense that. She wears black suit and white shirt, new shiny black high heels, a bag over her elbow and a freshman actually refers to her as "professor".

It's all so weird, same old yet everything is changed. As she goes to the info desk she stops for a moment and with the corner of her eye she spots a guy standing few steps away. He has pretty short hair, wears something brown and she is suddenly frost. She wants so much to turn towards him to see him and hopefully he will not be who she thinks he is.

She nervously pretends like she has something important to do with her phone but she actually only touches the screen and does nothing. She finally inhales, turns on her heel ready to walk to him and yell "Oh come on Humphrey, like you have to finish college now" and makes few big steps when she realizes that the guy is not Dan at all. Although she spotted him from not so far and like a silhouette he resembled so much like young Dan, she could have bet it was him. A little disappointed she walks past him and his girlfriend who comes to him. She leaves NYU.

…

It's the first time in a very long time for her to have a coherent dream. And no, it has nothing to do with old Hollywood.

She's in the hall of NYU again, this time she's a freshman too. There are some students there and she again is lost. And what is weird she wears pants. And again…there he is. This time it's really Humphrey. He's mysterious, his hair is short, he wears dark long coat and is kind of shady. Maybe he even wears a hat, she can't tell, but it's Humphrey for sure. Some of the students are acting as if they know each other, and they probably do, but all she can do is walk towards Humphrey. He simply stands in the middle of the hall, right next to a pillar and suddenly when she stops in front of him, the hall is empty. She just stands there, no words, she just stares at him and she can't tell if he looks at her, because his face is shady and…he's just so dark.

"You're here" – She says or maybe it's just a thought, because he doesn't do or says anything. Then Nate shows up and takes her hand to take her somewhere.

….

She has morning classes and in the afternoon she rushes home to study because if she's honest she's rusty, and being an older student in a group of younger intellectual snobs twice as worse as her (or Humphrey) is one of the most frustrating things for her. Even more frustrating than not knowing what she is doing with Chuck again…or anymore.

…

The other dream she is when she has an afternoon nap after the two very confusing hours she spent writing an outline for her paper.

Again she is in that hall, and everybody she knows it's there. She knows that half of those people are actually her school mates from Constance and she wonders what is she doing there, or better – what are they doing there. Suddenly everyone rushes to get out through some door, and she's the only one standing there not able to move. When the hall is quiet and there are no people at all, she decides to look for them, goes through the door and gets herself on a stage. Still no one is there and the stairs that lead down to the seats area are covered in Christmas lights and she walks down doing a little dance, thinking how lovely everything is, like in a muscle, she even hums some song. And the moment she steps off the stairs she is on a street where a bus full with the same people, most of her classmates waits for her.

"A school trip?" – She asks out loud, and yet again Nate shows up and tells her to hurry up because they have to leave.

Dorota wakes her up to remind her that the paper won't write itself.

…..

As she types the paper, she can't help but stop several times and drift away. She never dreamed of anything alike. There was no glamour, she was unimportant in her own dream and she wasn't wearing a gown. Yet, her dream with Humphrey from the other day still bugs her. She decides to finish the paper as fast as she can so she can go to bed.

…

The bus trip is weird. It takes them to a bumpy road, up and very down, then up again and when it finally stops it's on a beach. She is the only one who gets out of it, just to realize that all of her classmates are already having their deck chairs or whatever they are sitting on, on that beach which is very unusual. It seems as if she is the only one who hasn't got a spot on the beach and she feels so exposed, standing all alone. She stands on the path that divides the ocean and the bars and the place where the deck chairs are. The place where all of her school mates are lounging or sun tanning is like a small hill, everybody is above her and she feels so small

Nate shows up and asks her to have lunch with him.

"Where's Chuck?" – He asks. Even though she has just arrived, she knows exactly where to turn to spot him. He lies on a water mattress in the sea, wearing his idiotic red and white striped swimming suit and is apparently out of touch with everyone there. Although everything is in color, when she looks towards the direction where Chuck lies on the mattress in the water, he's in black and white.

"There he is, but who cares, let him stay there" – She says. But apparently Nate disappears when she says it and once again she's all alone standing on the same spot.

The alarm clock makes her practically jump up.

….

These dreams she has are hunting her. She knows she spot Humphrey somewhere on that bumpy beach, sitting on a chair, above her. Of course she forbids her brain thinking about it. Instead she focuses on her classes and studying.

For a while she has peaceful nights. No dreams of the brats from high school, or Nate with his bangs, or Chuck in his young days, and thank god no Humphrey.

It's the night right before her presentation in front of her colleagues of her research, when she has another dream.

….

So the bumpy beach again. Nate is not there, everything is the same, Chuck still floats on his mattress and that part of the beach is black and white. She turns around unwilling to keep looking at him and from the top of her lungs she screams Nate's name.

"I know you're there Nate, come down" – She keeps yelling and her classmates are staring at her. – "Come on, all of you get down here, I want to go home this instant and the bus can't go if you don't move".

Suddenly people start coming down to her, Nate too and when she looks on her right, highschool looking Humphrey, short haired and with a brown coat on stands in front of her, not shady at all and she can see his face very well. He smiles at her.

"Ha! I knew I didn't even have to call you, I knew you'd have come by yourself" – She doesn't even finish the sentence as he takes her hand in his like he wants to shake hands with her. The sensation of his warm and soft hands is so real and she tries so hard to remove her hand out of his two palms that now are stroking hers.

"Can I have my hand back?" – She says louder than she means. Humphrey doesn't speak and doesn't let her hand either.

With every atom she tries and takes her hand off of his palms and Nate drags her away from there. Next thing they're in a restaurant where he forces her to eat some disgusting raw food. All she keeps doing is turning her head back to the beach where Humphrey was standing.

…

The following morning she does a very average presentation, not even bothering to sound sharp or great as she planned. When she goes home it hits her. It's a blurry memory of her dream, but she may or may not tried to kiss Humphrey. Or maybe it was just a wish while he was holding her hand.

Serena wasn't in any dream she had.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

"Do not let me fall asleep Dorota!" – She cries from across the living room. – "I have to study and catch up on literally everything…"

"Yes, Miss Blair"- Dorota agrees and places a big cup of strong sugarless coffee in front of Blair.

"Plus I have odd dreams…I'm so tired" – She mumbles into the cup.

So she studies.

….

Her sleeping routine is set to maximum five hours per night, because when Blair sets her mind on getting good grades she is ready to sacrifice her looks, her flawless skin and her night rest. And of course if that means she won't dream of Humphrey, so be it.

Whenever she calls Chuck, he tells her the same thing – "We'll get through this, just be patient, not now".

All she can do is exhale deeply and focus on her text books, promising herself that she will prove everyone wrong… about everything.

…

The day starts terrible. She oversleeps, and no matter how much she rushes to get ready, she knows she is going to get in the middle of the class and the International Politics professor already has an opinion about her. She barks at Dorota as she practically trips on the stairs while trying to put on her shoes. Half an hour later she is at NYU, running down the hall to get as fast as she can, to her classroom.

"Ah, good morning, sorry I'm late…" – She says voicelessly and the entire group of students turns their heads to her.

"Again, Miss Waldrof" – The middle aged woman raises her eye brow. – "Sit down, you will probably get at least a bit from today's class" – She sighs and continues talking. Blair lowers her head and walks to the last row where she spots an empty spot.

She can't help but feel miserable. Not because she was late, but because everything seems wrong with her, her life, where she goes… She thinks how she would never go back to her mother's to ask for another chance. She isn't sure if she actually wants to even work for her Eleanor, or in fashion…

As she drifts off with her thoughts (instead to listens or even join the debate that starts after her professor is done talking) a voice practically makes her jump up from her chair. She can't see who exactly is speaking, but there is no mistake about it. Humphrey. She makes a face as if she is sick and about to vomit, rolls her eyes and puts her palm over her eyes holding her head… This simply can't be. What the hell is he doing there and why?

She lowers her torso in the chair she instantly starts making a plan for a transfer on a different university.

….

She successfully mixes with the rest of the crowd of students that tries to get out of the classroom just to avoid Humphrey, who stays and talks something with the professor. The ladies room is the only safe place for now and she rushes to get there.

She has an urge to call someone – Dorota, her mother, Serena if she was actually speaking to her…The panic attack she experiences can't be compared to anything else – not when her father left and she had to hide in her closed and cry or when Serena stole Nate and she had to scream in her pillow every night.

"Ok, shut up" – She says out loud to her brain. – "I am not fourteen year old and this is mine territory." – She flattens down the wrinkles on her skirt, adjusts her hair and confidently walks out of the ladies room. Everything is clear, at least she can't spot him anywhere near, so she walks a bit faster than she meant, to the exit.

And there he is, talking to a girl, visibly younger, at least 20 years old, and Blair narrows her eyebrows looking with disgust in their direction. She is sure she is going to walk to the other side of the hall to get out of the other exit, but her feet are taking her exactly to where Dan and the girl are standing. Oh, he smiles, and she has her disgusted face on again.

"Excuse me!" – She pokes pretty hard his biceps and he turns around to face her. The two fast blinks are betraying him although he seems calm. – "What are you doing here?" – She asks arrogantly.

"I go here, if you can reca…" – He can't even finish the sentence.

"Yeah, yeah, you were going here hundredth years ago. You can't go here now because I…"

"What?" – He interrupts her too. – "NYU is yours?" – He asks with mocking tone and the girl that stands by him smiles. Blair cuts her with her gaze and she turns her head.

"It might be if I want to. Plus, I saw you on International Politics and I put veto on that, you can't have it!" – She says like a spoiled brat. Dan laughs in disbelief.

"Aha, so we're highschool again. Ok…" – He turns around and makes a step when Blair grabs his arm and forces him to stop.

"Change your subjects Humphrey!" – She commands. The girl still stands several steps away and giggles quietly. – "And you go home and wash that thing you call hair!" – She snaps at her.

"You're insane Waldorf. But thanks for making me laugh!" – He says and walks out of the building with that girl.

If only she had a weapon in that moment, she thinks…

….

The following days everything is slamming doors, screaming at people who don't deserve it and hating the world, and Blair knows that she will have to mark her territory somehow.

It's Wednesday and she goes to college again, dressed more casual, a yellow day dress, platforms and a matching bag. If that's casual at all…She is not late for class and sits in the first row, ready to bite everyone who will irritate her even one bit. Her classmates are arriving, taking their spots, the professor arrives too and yet, Humphrey is nowhere to be seen. She smiles contently but can't help but look at the door every now and then. Then she digs her nails into her palms as a self warning to stop looking in that direction.

He doesn't show up at NYU that day at all.

…

Chuck comes over that evening. The moment he steps inside she tells herself that he is everything she needs. No panic attacks, no diploma, no money, no job…just Chuck. He hugs her and kisses her forehead, asking her how college is. And then the bubble pops.

"College?" – She asks. – "It's hard after a while…" – She sighs. – "I really have to compete with these younger and restless brats and above all Humph…" – She stops.

Chuck pushes her lightly away from him with a smirk on his face.

"Humphrey got back to college?" – He asks.

"Yes" – She rolls her eyes. – "We probably have a subject or two together. I can't stand him around"

"I don't want to be a bastard, but you are actually noticing his presence? I mean…we all know it was just a phase, right?" – He doesn't actually ask, but puts those words into her head, so she will memorize them.

…

Chuck doesn't stay with her for too long. After all, there is always something or someone more important than her, and of course they are on stand by. It makes Blair angry and annoyed but she tries to calm down every time she thinks about it.

She lets herself go to bed earlier that night. The moment she falls asleep she knows that next time she sees Humphrey she will act as if he doesn't exist.

"So…?"- She hears his deep raspy voice. – "What are we gonna do?"

"What?" – She is confused, because she can't see him.

"We both know there is place for only one of us at NYU, so who's gonna be?"

"Humphrey, you must be out of your mind to ask this!" – She is sharp, although she speaks to practically no one.

"Out of mine, but in yours for sure" – He gets that cocky tone she hates.

"Don't know what you're talking about?"

"You missed me on Wednesday, didn't you?"

"You wish. And show yourself, I hate this"

"So you want to see my face, right?"

"Yes, so I can slap you!"

"How's Chuck?"

The cell phone beeps and she wakes up. Oh, this is going to be the day. If Humphrey shows up, he's gonna get all of her rage.

…

Almost three weeks go by and she doesn't see him at all. She might even forget that she saw him at all, if she didn't have all those dreams about him almost every night.

Sometimes she dreams that he just sits there in her room, or that he passes by her in the hallways, or he is just a random guy on the street… In between, those little sequences in her dreams, he's above her as she lies in her bed, so close, she can even feel the warmth of his breath, he goes to kiss her, but he never does. He just stands like that, leaned above her, his lips an inch away, sometimes even closer and she does try to raise a bit to kiss him… but she can't. That's when she wakes up in the middle of the night and can't sleep anymore.

If before NYU she was constantly calling Chuck, now she calls him twice a week tops.

…

It's Friday, and she decides to put jeans on. Jeans. She hates to admit, but she has absolutely no friends at college, because most of them think that she's an uptight snob, or a young professor, or they don't even notice her.

So jeans, white shirt and a jacket. Her heart breaks but she puts on flats too, and although Dorota compliments her outfit, she feels kind of… tiny and unnoticeable.

College boys think differently. They turn their heads as she walks by them, some of them even try to talk to her, her classmates are actually smiling at her. The day seems to start really great.

She catches up on her book on her lunch break, sitting alone in the cafeteria when someone sits opposite of her.

"So?" – His hair is equally messy as she knows, his beard is longer, he seems skinnier and fresher in the same time.

"So, what?" – She snaps, looks at him strictly and goes back to her book.

"What made the former princess come back among the peasants and actually study?" – He has the decency to mock her. She wants to force a cynical smile or snap a witty insult, but she decides to completely ignore him. They stay quiet for few moments.

"Good, you called yourself a peasant, finally accepting it" – She doesn't look at him at all.

"Ohh, fifth grade one liners. So smart" –He snaps back immediately.

"Excuse me, are we friends?" – She puts the book down and asks the question a bit louder so people can hear. He looks into her eyes, not blinking, having a dilemma whether to answer that question or not. In the end he stands up and leaves.

"We used to be." – He steps back and whispers in her ear.

….

She tries to get Serena, but all she can get is her voice mail. She even calls Lily, but she can't get certain info if Serena and Dan are still together. All she says is that Serena spends more time lately with her father and that over the weekend he took her and Eric to the Hamptons.

The night is odd, she can't sleep, she can't study, she can't watch movies… So she decides to take a sleeping pill.

The room is getting weird. Her body is heavy and she falls asleep.

Somebody strokes her face and she tries very hard to open her eyes. His face is dark, all she can see in the dark room is the v – cut on his shirt and his hairy chest. She can even smell his aftershave. It doesn't matter how much she was criticizing it, it always smelled soothing whenever he'd have hugged her.

"No" – She mumbles.

"No, what?" – He whispers and she still can't see his face.

"Don't…touch me" – She mumbles.

"Why not?"

"Let me sleep" – She practically begs.

"You are sleeping"

"Go away"

"I'm not here"

"No. Go away"

"Why Chuck isn't here?"

"None of your business" – She can hear herself speak more coherent.

"You think he would have made me leave you alone?"

"You bet he would"

"That's called brainwashing" – His voice is so deep, so sure in what he says, it scares her to death.

"This is just a dream" – She says a bit louder.

"So it's just in your head and you'll forget it in the morning" – He leans in, stroking her face. – "Maybe I should…"- He leans even more – "…Before I go" – And she feels she moves her head up to reach his lips, but he's gone.

She does remember the dream when she wakes up.

….

He sits on a bench in front of the college when she spots him. It's been a while since she saw him the last time, and as much as she hates to admit, it's weird they don't see each other that often. He reads something and she is now furious, because well… He tortures her in her dreams and he's not allowed to do that.

"So, Humphrey!" – She pushes his backpack away and sits next to him. He looks as if she's insane. – "Did you change your group?"

"I was supposed to?" – He asks and goes back to his book. She grabs it violently from his hands.

"Don't act stupid and naive with me, I don't want you around and if you push me a little harder, I will do my best to get you out of NYU!"

"And how exactly are you going to do that? Chuck will help you?" – He asks and his face changes.

"I'm capable of doing things on my own!" – She says, her eyes narrowing.

"Right, because you're here to learn how to become a powerful woman. Can I have my book back?"

"Change your group, I don't want you to be around me"

"Because it might influent your non-existent relationship with Chuck?" – He grabs his book back. – "Get yourself together and if you hate seeing me here, just pretend that I don't exist, just as I do it with you!"

He leaves and she feels her eyes sting and filling with tears.

….

The problem happens when they have to work in a smaller group on a research and the two other guys and the girl are constantly confused by their arguments and banters.

"You know each other from before?" – The girl asks and immediately regrets. Blair doesn't have to say anything, she just gives her the look.

The group does a terrible job, because of the bad atmosphere and the occasional insulting one liners Blair and Dan throw to each other. In the end of the day, the captain of the group explodes and starts yelling to everyone, mostly to Dan and Blair for not being professional and because they act like babies.

"You had history, it ended, why the fuck my grades have to suffer because of it." – He yells and leaves the classroom. The rest of their colleagues leave too.

"You see what you've done" – Blair says calmly as she puts her notebook in her bag.

"Me? You have the decency…"

"If you knew anything about professionalism, you'd have just shut up and pretend that I don't exist." – He laughs bitterly in order to sustain his anger. – "Or if you knew what professionalism meant, you'd have write at least another great book, but since you are talentless and lack professionalism, you can't think of anything that doesn't include your friends' intimacy and of course…"

"Seriously?" – He rises from his chair, puts his messenger bag over his shoulder and prepares to leave. She seems calm and doesn't seem to stop with the insults.

"Well, I haven't heard anything new from the great author of the teenage crappy novella. Perhaps your muse…sorry, muses dumped you and…"

"Goodbye Blair" – He turns around and walks away. She is fully aware that she overreacted, just as she's fully aware that she had no idea why she babbled that thing.

"Always running away" – She adds and puts her bag over her elbow, walking to the door. Just before she puts her hand on the door knob, he opens the door urgently.

"I don't know what your problem is, but I'm gonna tell you mine!" – He barks.

"You don't really have to" – Her voice is arrogant.

"I came here to finish the damn college because I spent days and weeks and months trying to finish writing a book, and besides that I fucked up a year and a half tip toeing around a bitchy princess who happened to be blinder than a bat, who was treating me like a crap, not willing to even say thank you for being there for her completely and without questions, who happened to be the epitome of a spoiled brat, so excuse me if I'm here in a campus where thousands of students are passing everyday and happened to share a class or two with you. Don't care if you decided to actually get a degree and not just being another rich housewife left behind by her uninterested husband who by the way will fuck everything and anything that will come his way. I don't care if you are here because you want to impress your mother or Chuck, or simply realized you have to finish your education and stop whine around about the fucking dark knight after you saw the freaky reality with the one from Monaco. I'm here to study, and if you can't accept my presence here, drop out. Don't look at me, stop talking to me, because I don't think I will tolerate your insults ever again!" – He finishes, almost surprised by his courage to say that monologue. She just stands there, her eyes are visibly filling with tears and she doesn't reply back. She passes by him and walks to the exit.

Of course he runs after and stops her.

"Ok, I'm sorry, but you really can be annoying and demanding and I don't own you anything, just leave me alone!"

"Sure" – She says quietly. – "Maybe an explanation why you fucked Serena on a counter, but that's really not a big deal, all of this is kind of a déjà vu for me, so I'm used on it" – She's cynical and arrogant again.

"You can't be serious!" – He says. – "Weren't you the one who run away first?"

"And wasn't that a smart decision? Thank God it happened like that, I wouldn't stand cheating…"

"From anyone else, but Chuck, right?" – He throws it back at her.

"You really can't get over him, can you?" – She cries. His words never hurt her so much.

"And neither can you, we got that!"

"Just the same way with you and Serena, so everything is in place then" – She can barely say the words coherent, trying to keep her voice sharp.

"With that difference that I'm…was in love with you more than anyone else, considered you being my fucking soul mate!" – He yells and that's when they realize people are turning their heads. His phone rings and he gets it out of his pocket, his hands shaking from anger. – "It's Serena" – He says angry.

"I don't give a fuck" – She says, unable to control her tears, as he looks at the phone –"I didn't even ask that" – She runs away from him because she doesn't want him to see that he made her cry.

She doesn't dream of him that night.

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you upset that Mister Lonely Boy is still in your group?" – Dorota walks into her room, where she sits by the window, staring outside and the room is a mess.

"No" – She answers quietly.

"Then what is it?"

"Nothing, I just have so much to do, my exams are just around the corner and…"

"Miss Blair. Your room is never dirty, look this mess…"

"Well if you were doing your job right, it wouldn't have been that way" – She replies but the strictness in her voice is absent.

"You can tell Dorota. Did Mister Humphrey upset you?"

"Yes" – She barks. – "YES"

"Oh…" – Dorota starts picking up the shoes from the floor.

"He has the decency to yell in my face and…" – She has no arguments because she knows that he was right.

"Miss Blair, don't get mad, but I don't think Mister Humphrey would ever say anything to hurt you"

"Yeah, well he did" – She stands up from the window bench and starts helping Dorota tidying her room.

…

Chuck comes one day, God knows from where and he gives her a necklace with a ring on it, promising her that one day, not too far from then it'd be on her finger. She promises him that she will always wear it. She doesn't tell him anything about Humphrey and the scene they had in college.

The following days she is keeping as low profile on college as she can. She doesn't wear clothes that would draw attention on her, but dresses like an actual student. More laid back pants, jeans, jackets, shoes…She doesn't try to make new friends, and she just goes there with one goal, to study and not to fool around.

Until one day a girl gives her an invitation for a student party in some bar nearby NYU, and she is sure she won't go. But little she knows that she will end up exactly there.

…

She attends one of the most boring dinner parties in a restaurant with her mother, Cyrus and friends of theirs who happen to be probably the most boring snobs she has ever met. She can't even make it till the end of the dinner, she lies that she doesn't feel well and excuses herself. Eleanor calls her a town car and she's gone.

She remembers about that party her classmate told her about, and even though she's overdressed for that, she tells her driver to get her there. She knows she feels like mingling with people even if that means that she'll have to endure college conversations and silly accents.

…

Some of the students in her group are welcoming her and hugging her, which bothers her but feels ok in the same time, because she thought nobody actually knew her name. She wears long deep green silky dress that floats around her, not suitable for the party but still people are admiring her. The necklace with the ring is on her neck of course. There are two options – she'll either stay there and talk nonsense to some of her classmates, excuse herself after half an hour and go, or get herself a drink and gets the best out of a mediocre college party.

…

She gets slightly tipsy, few of the girls in her group are giggling and worshiping her dress, telling her how flawless her style is and one of them spots the ring on the necklace. They can't stop cackling and screaming when she tells them the story about her and Chuck and one of them actually knows who he is, so compliments her on her choice. She doesn't feel excited or happy. That's when she orders another drink.

…

In the steamy and semi dark bar, she spots the mop hair of Humphrey and rolls her eyes.

"Another" – She tells the bartender who refills her glass of vodka.

"Is there a problem" – One of the girls asks.

"No, just a face I can't stand. From high school you know" – The girls turn around to the direction where Humphrey stays with some guys.

"Oh my God, you know Dan Humphrey?" – They giggle.

"Yes" – She sighs and takes a long sip.

"He is one of the most talented guys in our group and for sure one of the most handsome ones" – The first girl says and the rest of them agree with her. All Blair can say is "argh". But she knows they're right. – "He was dating that blond heiress, but I think he's single again"

"Don't care" – Blair says, and feels that her eyes can't hold open. As the girls are babbling about Rufus and Lily's history and the possible incestuous relationship Dan had with Serena, she finishes her glass, gets her purse and leaves the bar, trying to find a way not to meet Dan as she walks to the exit.

Her feet are betraying her, she knows that her makeup isn't perfect after probably six glasses of vodka and her eyes don't seem to stay open even though she tries. She closes and opens them very slowly and with each step she makes, she feels like the whole place is part of a dream.

Someone holds her arm as she walks out of the bar and she thinks that moments like that, when you go out from a place where the air is stall and smells like cigarettes and you breathe in clean air, are making life worth living.

"Are you ok?" – The guy asks her as he helps her sit on a flowerpot.

"Call me a cab" – She grunts, trying to get the phone out of her purse.

"But the night is young, and you are too pretty to go home" – He uses a phrase that makes her feel even more like vomiting.

"I'll get myself a cab" – She mumbles as she gets the phone out of her purse, yet she doesn't know why she does it. When she tries to stand on her feet, she realizes it'll be a hard mission.

"Come on, let me help you" – The guy puts his arm around her waist – "You must be some rich lady, aren't you…this fancy dress is very lovely"- He whispers in her ear as she tries to get rid of him, but his grip is too strong for her to fight in that condition.

"Leave me alone" – She cries. – "Take your filthy hands off my Stella McCartney, you sick animal" – She digs her nails into his hand.

The next thing she sees is the guy holding his nose with his two palms and getting dragged away by the security. Someone says "You should go, before this thing gets bigger, he's the owner's kid". She can't see in the crowd who are those people. The same voice adds "You know her, take her home"

"Come on Waldorf" – He takes her by her hand and stops a cab.

…

"What are you doing?" – She doesn't move when he tries to sit next to her.

"You think you're able to tell your address?" – He knows how stubborn she can be so he goes around the car and sits inside. The cab takes off. – "You're aware that you might end up raped like this?" – He says as she turns her head to the window. – "Are you listening to me?"

"Unfortunately" – She sighs.

"And what were you doing alone there"

"Alone? Please?" – She still doesn't look at him. – "I was there with friends"

"You and I both know that's not true. You either despise them or don't know their existence. So you were bored…" – He notices the necklace with the engagement ring on it. – "What's that?" – He changes the topic feeling his stomach clenching.

"You know what it is" – She snaps, her face still turned towards the window.

"It should be on your finger you know"

"I'll wear it wherever I want"

"You know it should keep you tuned right?"

"We love each other so whenever it happens it'll happen"

They stay quiet till the cab stops in front of Blair's building. She can barely get out of the cab so he helps her to get out of there as a decent lady.

In the elevator she can't stand on her feet so she slides down the wall and sits down.

"It's your floor, get up" – He says. She raises her eyes towards him.

"Cut that hair" – She says, trying to get up and not succeeding till he gives her a hand.

"Is Dorota here?" – He holds her waist firmly. – "You need coffee"

"I need to die" – She whines.

"Coffee first" – He helps her lie down on the sofa and goes in the kitchen to prepare coffee for her. – "Sit up, you have to drink this"

Her hair is messy, the makeup is no longer visible, except the remains of the mascara around her eyes, the necklace with the ring is behind the back. She sits up with effort.

"Why are you…doing this?"- She takes a sip and burns her lips. – "You could have brought me lava instead" – She cries holding her lips.

"You're welcome" – He says and prepares to go.

"Wait" – She says. – "Thank you" – It's a miracle she manages to stand still on her feet and makes few insecure steps towards him. - "I'm avoiding you on purpose, and you know that, but…thank you…for…thank you!" – She makes another step, lifts herself a bit, the closeness of his face still very familiar and she presses a soft kiss on his cheek almost on his jaw, because he moves away.

"It's ok…" – The sensation of her lips on his skin makes him shut his eyes. His heart races, he is sure he doesn't breathe and he knows he should go away from there immediately. He walks to the elevator doors presses the button. – "You're too young for another marriage" – He says for himself but she hears him.

"It's the way it should be"

"Even you don't believe in that" – He looks at her, his eyes shinier and bigger than ever, his lips a bit opened like he wants to say something else and that's when she realizes she's sober. She blinks and the ding from the elevator tells her that he left.

She doesn't sleep with the necklace on her neck that night.

In the morning it all comes back to her and she realizes that guy who punched the anonymous who was bothering her, was actually Dan.

Tbc


	4. Chapter 4

She avoids everyone.

Exams are near, so she barely leaves the penthouse, wears her silky pajamas and robes, studies in bed, eats in bed and doesn't comb her hair. When Chuck calls her she tells him she is extremely busy. He barely listens to what she has to say about the subjects and the following exams and he rushes to tell her that he is taking her on a weekend in a secluded cabin upstate once the midterms are over. She nods in relief because she really feels that New York is too small for her now.

…

The first exam is on Tuesday. She knows Dan will be there but her fear to face him is somehow non existent. She acts as a sleepwalker, goes to college, finds the classroom and goes back home. The exam day isn't much different. She sits on her spot, looks into her hands and her pen, not turning her head around in order to avoid his gaze. But when he passes by her she knows it's him. Who else would wear those hideous shoes? Still she doesn't move her head or any other part of her body to acknowledge his presence.

As the professor places sheets with the test in front of the students, she feels her hands are getting cold and very wet, something that never happened to her before. It's because of the first exam after so long, but she knows she tries to lie to herself.

The entire week with exams goes the same – going to college, sitting down, answering the questions and going back home. The last day, she finishes among the first students, leaves the test to desk where the professor sits and leaves the classroom. The fear she had that was making her look down the entire time in order to avoid Humphrey, now becomes reality. He sits just few steps away from the classroom, checking his textbook.

The hall is quite spacious, she can literally pass by him and he will not notice her, but the problem is, she wants to go to him, to say something. To insult him, to yell back (quite later than his monologue he'd say, she knows) to say that she's sorry, to say that she is depressed maybe, and that she constantly has weird dreams of him…

Instead, she passes quietly on the other side of the hall, blending in the students who are getting out of other classrooms. After all, when she'll come back from the trip with Chuck, this sadness and odd vibrations will be long dead. Chuck always had the cure, she thinks. She thinks…

Several classmates start talking to her in the yard and she doesn't even try to avoid them or think of an excuse. She just stays there; they talk about the test when a black town car stops in front of them. Most people turn their heads when Chuck gets out of the car, they recognize him as one of the youngest businessmen in New York City, and most girls really freak out, because among them, the actual commoners, Chuck Bass is a myth.

When Blair walks to him to enter the town car she can't control herself and turns around. What she was successfully avoiding the entire week, now is in the form of two dark brown eyes, staring at her with such mixture of disgust and disappointment, it literally shakes her to her core. It's such a short gaze and he disappears, but it imprints in her head and she doesn't say a word the entire day.

….

Chuck takes her to a luxurious mountain house with a wonderful view on a small lake. The place is magical, the air clean and thick she can't stop breathing. The porch has a swing with cushions that are like clouds, so the moment they arrive she collapses in it and stares in the blue-greenish water.

"You like it here?" – Chuck asks her and puts a glass of champagne in her hand. She smiles and nods. – "I'm gonna buy it for you…as a wedding gift" – He sits next to her. She doesn't lower her head to his shoulder (as usual) and her body stiffens. Suddenly the place seems ugly.

…

Serena and Eric visit him that weekend. They can't shut up about their father and all the places he took them; and he just nods, smiles, asks questions mechanically but he doesn't actually listens or cares.

Last time Serena was with him she got drunk and babbled some things that made him think. One of them was "Blair is your soul mate and you're mine, so what are we gonna do about that?"

Convincing her that he can not be her soul mate by any means was a futile job, so he let her speak her mind out. She was constantly giggling during her happy speech how happy she was for Chuck and Blair and that they were meant to be and other mediocre bullshit, using words she wasn't understanding well, only because she actually read a few books meanwhile.

Now, she was too happy and calm because finally her father found time for her and her brother. Eric on the other hand, with talent like no one else among the Van Der Woodsens, notices that something isn't quite well, so when Serena's phone rings and she walks into Dan's room to answer, he sits on a chair closer to Dan.

"What is it?"

Dan hesitates, tries to cover the truth with stories about the exams, studying after so long, college…

"Blair got back to college, my mother told me" – Eric cuts him.

"Yes…" – Dan sighs. – "We have several classes together"

"Ouch" – Eric makes worried face. – "How…" – He doesn't manage to finish his thought.

"Bad. I yelled at her so much the other week, I think I made her cry. If she was throwing an insult or two before, now she was literally… She was absent you know, not just avoiding me, but you know, shutting out everyone."

"Don't tell Serena" – Eric leans back to see if she's still in Dan's bedroom. – "I'm sorry"

"No, there is nothing to be sorry about. I mean, she made her choice and all I could have to do… I mean not about her choice, but you know… it's kind of silly for her to go high school Blair on me…after everything…so I had to…although…" – He sighs, takes his bottle of beer and takes a sip.

"Although what?" – Eric asks.

"I can't stop feeling like shit"

"Oh man…this isn't over at all" – Eric says with very worried tone. – "From both sides…" – Dan looks at him and his eyebrows narrow.

"Of course it's over. We're just not happy to see each other in the same building.  
"Then why do you feel like shit? – Dan has no answer. – "You should tell Serena…or at least make up a good break up story because despite what I think of you and Blair, I really don't want to see my sister hurt again."

"What do you think of me and Blair?" – Dan asks, suddenly too interested.

"See, I told you it's far from over." – Eric smiles. – "Blair Waldorf in my opinion…was…or might be only tamed and not in the way a shrew is tamed…but you know…can be calmed down by an equal intellectual snob, sharp minded big mouth yet emotional enough to show her that not all men are Chuck Bass."

Dan's mouth drops open. He smiles.

….

The long foreplay doesn't excite her. Yes his lips seem familiar and he knows what to do with them, but when after several tries she can't relax, she pushes him away and jumps up in the bed.

"I can't" – She says. – "I need some air" – She pulls on the silky robe over her body and runs down stairs. The night is magical. The air is fresh and cold, the smell of the water in the lake gets to her nostrils and she breathes in like she was choking just few moments before. It's then when she feels the coldness on her bare feet, so she sits on the swing and places her feet under her body.

Chuck doesn't come after her immediately and she can't be happier. The tears start rolling down to fulfill the picture of her sitting alone in the middle of nowhere, in an expensive mountain house, with Chuck upstairs who doesn't do anything to realize that she isn't happy. A literal narration of her being there, sad and alone, goes in her head and she thinks Humphrey may use a picture like that to describe the lonely and depressed Claire Carlyle Trout.

Loud sob escapes her mouth and echoes in the quiet nature. She quickly wipes off her tears when Chuck turns on the porch lights and looks at her.

"What's wrong?" – He asks. She wants to answer but she doesn't actually know what is really wrong. – "Blair, I swear to you, the hard days are behind us, you think I brought you here for fun?" – He kneels before her. – "I meant to do this tomorrow in the morning, to wake you up with a proposal, but it can't wait." – He takes the necklace with the ring our of his robe pocket (after he saw it on the nightstand where she put it) and takes her hand. – "Blair Cornelia Waldorf…?" – He smiles, but her face doesn't change. He thinks that her tears are tears of joy.

"No" – She mouths.

"Will you marry me?"- Chuck continues the proposal not hearing her "no". It's when Blair curls her fingers so he can't put the ring on.

"No" – She speaks a bit louder.

"I'm not joking Blair"

"Neither am I" – She sniffs. – "I can't" – She says with mortified face.

"Why not?" – He's no longer worried, but the arrogance and the annoyance are covering his face.

"I don't know…I don't feel ready and it's been just two years since my first failed marriage…"

"That was different" – He smiles as he tries to assure her that she's wrong.

"No. I jumped into it unprepared and I won't do it again…"

"Ok then…I'll keep this ring for when you're ready, maybe I rushed this whole thing…" – He raises up from the floor.

"I don't…think…" – She looks into his eyes, her courage beating her fear. – "…will be ever…"

He looks at her questionably, right eyebrow raised, eyes narrowed like he knows something.

"Very well…" – He says and walks away from her, gets inside and comes back in a few moments. He lights his joint and sits down on a chair next to the swing. – "Humphrey will like this" – He breathes out the smoke and the fresh and sweet air suddenly gets contaminated by the heavy smoke of his marijuana.

She knows that first thing in the morning she's going back to New York.

…

Serena stays in the loft even though Eric left. People think that Dan and she are together, but the truth is, they don't know what they are doing. She always forces the "soul mate" story and how she can be with anyone but in the end of the day she always thinks of him. He soaks the words in, thinking how life is a bitch and that he and Serena are pretty much alike about that matter, and that he does the same thing, except the person who thinks of in the end of the day is not her. It's still Blair.

She kisses him and unbuttons his shirt and he kisses back completely unfocused on the action, just being there while his mind rambles and all he hears in his head is "this isn't over at all". When his phone vibrates on the table he pushes Serena off of him and grabs the phone as if he was waiting for it.

_**I deserved everything you said. I'm sorry. No matter what you think, I really am.**_

He stares at the text, rereads it several times, checks the name again but he reads well. Blair.

"Hey" – Serena says dreamy, her shirt semi open. – "Is that phone more interesting than me?" – She walks her fingers from his waist up his spine.

"No…I…" – He reads the message again and doesn't know what he feels – if he's angry because she probably laughs at him in bed with Chuck after the steamy sex they had, or maybe… He doesn't want to make assumptions. – "I have to get this" – He says and walks out of the loft, running downstairs in the middle of the night, his shirt unbuttoned. The street is quiet, just a few cabs are passing. He dials up.

"What was that for?" –He doesn't even say hello.

"Hello Humphrey" – Her voice is firm. – "I felt like saying it, I don't know what should it be for"

"Ok." – He says, his mind suddenly empty.

"Ok" – She says too. – "Good night"

"Blair?" – He quickly says before she hangs up.

"What?" – She tries to sound strict.

"I'm sorry too..."

"It's ok…" – She replies and it seems it's the first time since they know each other to be in a situation where they don't know what to say.

"Serena's here" – He blurts out.

"Oh, well…sorry for disturbing you"

"No, I'm outside…"

"I don't understand"

"I went outside the building to call you" – He says.

"You should go back" – She says, but her words don't sound convincing. He can hear noise of a moving car as she speaks.

"Where are you?"

"In a taxi, taking me to the nearest airport in this middle of nowhere"

"With…?" – He doesn't pronounce Chuck's name.

"Alone" – She says. He can't say anything afterwards, or maybe he doesn't want to. Just a loud exhale covers the silence. – "Good night" – She says.

"Good…" – He replies. She hangs up first.

He needs to recover from the shock, so he stays in the dark entrance alone, buttons up his shirt and his brain is racing.

"I can't do this again" – He says out loud. Serena calls his name and her voice echoes in the building. It reminds him to go back.

"What happened?" – Serena opens the door as he walks in.

"Nothing, Jenny had some trouble so she had to vent. I really need to sleep"

"Sleep?!" – Serena is surprised.

"Yes…I just have to lie down" – He has to assure her that Jenny is fine and that it's really nothing. – "See you tomorrow" – He says, but not with questioning and hoping voice, but more like he tries to say "Please leave me alone".

Once she leaves the loft, he collapses in his bed and strangely peacefully falls asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

One thing is sure – when Serena wants to be somewhere, there is no chance to make her go away. She comes in the loft almost every day, even when Dan has classes. She cleans up (something she never did in her entire life), orders food, puts on nicer clothes than usual and waits for him. She doubts that something is happening (with Jenny of course) because whenever he comes home he barely notices her. He thanks her for the food, and usually goes to bed very early. There isn't any meaningful conversation or God forbid a kiss or anything else.

The day when he comes back from college and opens his lap top and starts to write something, it dawns to her – this isn't about Jenny at all. But she decides not ask anything.

A loud knock on the door interrupts the silence in the loft. Dan is faster and goes to open up.

On the other side, Chuck Bass personally, wearing deep brown long coat, suit underneath, a bowtie and his face is darker than he ever remembers it was. He doesn't greet him; he doesn't say a word, just stares at him with slightly narrowed eyebrows like he knows something.

"Chuck?" – Dan says. – "What are you doing here, how can I help you?" – Chuck still stares at him with frozen face, not even blinking, looking at him with disgust mixed with the urge to destroy his presence.

"You can never be able to help me" – He mumbles the words arrogantly and with such despise and Dan knows that something big happened.

"I'm confused" – Dan says.

"You are?" – He raises his eye brow. – "May I come in, so I make things clearer to you" – Dan steps aside and Chuck walks in. Serena is nowhere to be seen.

"Can I get you anything?" – Dan asks to ease the heavy atmosphere and the dark cloud Chuck brings with him.

"Nothing." – He turns to face him. – "What are you doing with Blair? – He brings her in topic.

"With Blair?!" – Dan's face is even more confused and he already curses her, because knowing how fucked up pairing her and Chuck are, she had probably told him about their drama at NYU. He quickly thinks of a lie, that he never had any conversation with her, even though it's silly to think of that because he is not afraid of Chuck, why would he be? – "Last time I checked, she hated me and run back to you, wherever you were…"

"Don't fuck with me Humphrey"- Chuck gets closer to Dan, breathing the words annoyingly, and Dan can see his anger and rage burning in his eyes.

"Ok, step back, I don't know what the hell you two are doing, but don't put me in this!" – He raises his shoulders like he defends himself.

"You think I'm a fool? She goes to that college, comes back home confused, absentminded, doesn't call me, she's changed and I also happen to know that you went back to NYU… Coincidence?" – He hisses.

"I'm barely seeing her there" – Dan replies calmly, yet the tiny gulp betrays his nerves.

"Humphrey…Humphrey…" – Chuck starts laughing and the sound fills up the room and makes Dan feeling like vomiting. – "You are forgetting things. Let's say I know that her behavior lately is because you affected her somehow." – He nods to him and raises his left eyebrow. – "I don't know what sort of novel or writer crap you're selling to her, but…

"I don't have to explain to you anything!" – Dan interrupts him – "I don't have any interaction with Blair Waldorf whatsoever!" – His voice is firm and it makes Chuck shut up. – "Ok?"

"It would be good for you if it's true" – Chuck walks to the door, slowly passing by him – "And her..." – He adds. – "Because Humphrey, if you are fucking around with Blair, the only one who will end up hurt is going to be her, and you don't want that, right?"

"It's none of my business"- Dan says. Chuck opens the door and before he leaves he looks at Dan one more time

"It was always such a fascinating mystery for me… how were you able to love such a broken and destroyed thing like her. I mean, if I were you I'd have never even look at that…completely mentally abused…I mean who wants to glue things up"

"Don't!" – Dan walks to him and opens the door wider. They are opposite of each other. – "Don't speak of her as if she's a subject!" – Chuck smirks completely satisfied that he managed to provoke him with his words.

"You know it was always easy with you!" – He cackles. – "It's always easy when you know people's weak spots. Thank you Humphrey, I won't take your time anymore."

Dan stays all alone at the door, feeling so brutally and verbally fucked up by Chuck and it makes him sick, even sicker than before, wondering what the hell she saw in this beast.

"Dan" – A whiny voice comes out of Jenny's room. He completely forgot Serena was there. – "Was there a real reason Chuck came over?"

"And what if there was?" – He snaps at her, irritated that she heard everything. – "I don't think I ever convinced you that I got over… her."

"Thanks" – She sniffs. – "It was nice to find out like this. I assume there wasn't anything about Jenny the other night?"

"No." – He sighs and looks away. She leaves the loft immediately.

…..

Later that day, after sunset, Blair sits alone in the penthouse, wearing pajamas and a robe, watching TV and trying to relax and forget about the fiasco that happened in the mountain house.

Ding.

Elevator doors open. Serena walks in, eyes red from crying, black traces of tears and her nose puffy and red. Blair jumps up from the armchair when she sees her. It's not the first time she sees her crying but this time she looks worse and sadder than ever.

"What happened? Serena?" – She walks closer.

"You know what happened!" – She starts crying and screams.

"No, what?" – But Serena already drops her bag on the floor and runs away from Blair, crying like crazy. – "Just stop and tell me?"

"You and Dan!" – She screams and drops down herself on the floor by the stairs, her favorite place to cry.

"What?!" – Blair widens her eyes.

"You and Dan!" – She sniffs.

"Are you insane?

"Chuck came to the loft today and he doesn't come to Brooklyn for nothing!" – She keeps screaming.

Ding.  
The elevator doors open again.

"Oh, she found out" – Chuck walks inside calmly. – "So you had the audacity to tell your poor friend that you are sneaking around with her boyfriend"

Ding. The elevator doors open again. Blair stays frozen and baffled from the words that are coming out of Chuck's mouth.

"I'm not Serena's boyfriend" – Dan says calmly.

"Why are you here?" – Serena manages to ask in between swallowing tears. – "You are just proving the point" – She sniffs.

"Yes, Humphrey why are you here?"- Chuck asks and turns to Blair.

"What the hell is wrong with all of you?" – Blair yells. – "What are you doing here?" – She asks Dan with strict voice.

"Let's make things clear, I had no idea that these two were here, so I came to ask what the hell you told your boyfriend that you and I are doing behind his back, because Waldorf I don't want to be connected to your name anyhow"

"I'm not her boyfriend" – Chuck says.

"Fiancé" – Dan corrects himself.

"He's not my fiancé" – Blair snaps. Now Dan is confused and switches his eyes from Chuck to Blair. – "I don't know what are you talking about, and above all why are all of you here, disturbing me?"

It becomes a real chaos in the foyer. Serena screams and cries and talks incoherently, Chuck mumbles words, looking at everybody with disgust, Dan tries to calm things down and Blair can't take it anymore so she covers her ears.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP" – She yells. – "Just shut up! Serena…Go upstairs wash off your face. Both of you get out of here, I don't have to explain anything to anyone!"

Suddenly the air is clear, Serena walks upstairs and the three of them remain quiet.

"I want to rest. I'm having a very stressful period and I don't want you or anyone else…" – She emphasizes the last word and looks at Dan – "…to disturb me! Is that clear?"

"No" – Chuck adds. – "I checked your phone calls from this weekend" – He glares at her and although she was firm and strong, suddenly her shoulders fall down, she looks at her feet and the fear she always had when Chuck knew things prevails her body again. – "Don't lie to me Blair! I know who you called!" – He passes by Dan and acts as if he's not there. She keeps her hands crossed over her chest, holding the lapel of her robe, a learned habit when Chuck "attacks".

"So?" – Dan asks loud. – "What about that?"

"I don't remember I addressed you" – Chuck still glares at Blair and she still has her eyes fixed on the floor.

"Well I'm addressing you." – Dan raises his voice.

"Dan, can you please go?" – Her voice is sad and she knows she sounds like a scared little girl.

"No, I can't. I'm involved and really want to hear what the problem with you calling me, was."

"You want to hear, huh?" – Chuck's eyes are meeting his, the rage getting even more visible. – "Well, this is going to be a long night" – He walks to the bar table and opens a crystal bottle, drinks fast and empties it to the half. – "Your precious muse, that you see as an innocent and angelic, which happens to be utterly damaged and miserable, refused my marriage proposal." – He drags few more long sips from the bottle and finally empties it.

"Chuck, stop it and leave, right now!" – Blair says, knowing what might happen after him finishing a full bottle of Scotch.

"No, no. He wants to hear it, so why not. As I told you Humphrey… I might…or let's say I'm true with this" – He pulls the sleeve of her robe as if she's a tatter, and the move is so disturbingly annoying and disrespectful it makes her cry.

"Hey" – Dan pulls him back by the shoulder and he drops her sleeve.

"Let's say I'm done with Blair's schizophrenia and her idealistic dreams of something that can't happen between me and her" – The alcohol already takes over him and he leans above her as she tries to push him away. – "I am not your prince charming, can't you deal with that? Can't you accept it? I'm sorry that most of the time I'm a scum bag who was left behind his own fucking mother, I'm sorry I don't know anything about your stupid books and movies and… the hell I'm not sorry… there is no ideal match, there are no soul mates, the thing you imagined in your head doesn't exits" – His voice echoes in the room. He staggers and turns around to Dan. – "So let's say I'm giving up on this broken piece of soul and you… can have it, because I'm willing to give you my left behinds" – Dan keeps his cold manner during Chuck's drunk speech, trying his best not to kill him while he speaks into her face. – "You can even brag about it, Chuck Bass's leftovers!"

And then the heavy punch cracks his lip open, he drops down, another one comes right after the first one into his nose and his face is completely red from blood. The shirt and the bow tie are covered with his blood.

"I told you not to talk of her as if she's a thing!" – Dan repeats again that day.

In any other case Blair would scream and yell and even send him away. She just stands aside, astonished from what she saw, Chuck's bloody face, the fact that he is on the floor, tasting his own blood and what had remained of his dignity, Dan's bloody fist and his shallow breathing and eyes that are looking at Chuck with such disgust and disdain, something she never thought Dan was able to produce out of his warm eyes.

Nobody helps Chuck to get up. He barely manages to do it himself and walk to the elevator, presses the elevator button, leaves bloody prints over it and goes without words. Only then they become aware of each other.

"Thank you" – She whispers. He keeps his eyes on the floor.

"Where's Chuck?" - Serena comes back down stairs, her face is clean but still puffy and red from crying. Nobody answers her; they stand on their spots like statues. – "Is that so…?" – She nods like this is the biggest confirmation to her doubts. – "Thank you, both of you" – She says, picking up her bag and nervously walks to the elevator. Ding. She's gone.

"Why?" – He finally manages to find strength to look at her, not necessary to tell her that he asks about her refusing Chuck's proposal.

"I don't know…"

He walks inside the elevator.

"I hope you won't change your mind..." – His eyes with a small trace of worry, are looking at her, and all she can do is fix her gaze on is his mole below his right eye.

"No…" – She puts her hand on the elevator door.

"Did it have something to do with that phone call?"

"It happened before." – She says. – "After you yelled at me…spoke your mind out…I'm really disturbed and I rethink everything" – She lowers her eyes on his lips, still holding the elevator door.

"It wasn't futile then…" – His lips spread in a small smile. – "It doesn't matter if we won't be friends after this… I guess we won't, but… Blair, I'm glad you won't go to this… to him... coming home drunk, throwing insults at you." – As he says the words two tears are rolling down on the sides of her face, but there are no grimaces and she seems calm. She wants to say something, anything, but instead she bites her lips and lets the doors close.

There are two options – she either will have to keep acting cold and as if he doesn't exist after what he did to Chuck and deal with her dreams of him every night or…

It's almost midnight when she knocks on the loft door. He opens shortly after her quiet knock. It's visible that she's a mess, she cried and not just that day he can tell, and she looks skinnier just in a week after he saw her the last time at NYU. She wears long black coat, her hair simply combed down, loose curls here and there, and it's longer than he remembers, almost to the middle of her back, maybe a bit longer.

He opens his mouth to say any word that would come to his mind but he's mute, there's no voice.

"I just…" – She holds her gloved hands together – "…want to thank you, really thank you." – He stares at her without a blink and she walks to him, tall in her high heels, almost as tall as him, puts her arms around his shoulders and mumbles something in his neck, but he can't really hear what. Till he realizes what is happening and till he puts his arms around her too (and he does, for a tiny second they are hugging) she steps back, her eyes are pretty red and teary, she wipes one tear that comes closer to her mouth with her hand and in a blink she's gone.

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N I highly recommend to hear "Memories" from Barbra Streisand while reading this. I watched The Way We Were yesterday and couldn't help but cry a river, comparing them to Dair._**

**_Thank you all of you, for stopping by and reading this!_**

* * *

When she doesn't show up at all at NUY that month, Dan knows something happened. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to call her or when, so he just decided that he'll let her reach him if she wanted. It never happened.

Just like her, he isn't that much close to anybody at college, but that Monday he asks a girl who usually sits next to Blair, where is she. The girl has no idea, since Blair never returned her e-mails.

…

After almost a month, Serena comes to the loft, calm down and friendly, apologizes for her behavior and keeps acting as if nothing happened. She brags about her upcoming trip to Vegas with… Dan stops listening to her in that exact second, because it's same old, same old. If it wasn't Vegas, it was L.A, if it wasn't L.A it was somewhere in Europe and he had heard it all before.

"Oh…by the way, I saw Eleanor the other day in her studio. Blair transferred to Yale. Finally." – She grabs an apple from the fruit bowl and bites it.

He has so many questions to ask her about Blair, but he decides that it would be better if he doesn't.

"Also, Chuck wanted to sue you for punching him. His face was blue and puffy for weeks" – She adds with mouthful of apple.

"Whatever" – He says, looking away.

"So, are you gonna transfer to Yale, too?" – She giggles like an idiot.

"Yes I will, Serena" – He says sarcastically.

"Kidding" – She adds, finishing the apple. – "I'm just teasing you"

"You're gloating"

"What for? I'm so over what happened last month, I really don't hold any grudge"

They stay quiet for a while till she realizes that it's his way of telling her to leave, so she makes as if she's so bored there and that she has to go.

…..

He decides to send her an e-mail. He doesn't expect any replay, but he gets one and quite faster than he hoped. She says she's ok, she studies hard and that she really needed new place to calm down and focus on her studies. She says she really needs that change so she can grow up. She says she hopes that he's fine and that he's doing well.

The next e-mail she sends him is four months later, to wish him a Marry Christmas, saying that she chose not to go home for the holidays. He wishes Marry Christmas too.

…

When he comes back from college, besides catching with the material, he writes. Short stories, long stories, something that one day might be a book…He writes.

Serena visits the loft again, and this time (luckily for him, Jenny's home). As Serena informs Jenny with the latest gossips and shopping details and the love interests she met in the past half a year, he types furiously in his room.

"A book?" – Serena asks when she walks in his room.

"It might be" – He says, not looking away from his lap top.

"What's the story about?" – She asks naively. He sighs out loud. – "Don't tell me it's a sequel to Inside?"

"This has nothing to do with Inside" – He keeps typing.

"What her name will be in this one?" – Serena asks and suddenly her voice isn't so friendly or cheerful. Dan stops typing.

"If one day this gets printed, you can read it. Don't ask me now"

"If I don't show it, it doesn't mean I'm not hurt Dan!" – She's serious.

"I'm sorry." – Dan looks at her.

"People say that Blair was trying her best to be half charming as I am. But when comes to falling in love with her, all of them…you, Chuck…perhaps even Nate…you all want that permanent thing she has…sharp mind and intellect, seriousness and self confidence when comes to knowledge…"

"I never did anything to hurt you on purpose. I didn't choose anything. You know the best, I always kept distance."

"Yes, what I was always been scared of was this…that she actually might really see you."

….

Almost ten months after Blair leaves NUY and transfers to Yale, Dan gets a date for the promotion of his new book, "The Monarch of Manhattan". This time, eminent news papers and critics are writing about him as the modest uprising young writer from Brooklyn who started his career with surprisingly well written teenage drama novel. The reviews are full with compliments on the structure and the style of the new book, completely different from the first one, yet there still is the young spirit in it and for sure some of them can sense that the muse from the first novel is still present in the new one. She might have new name but the spirit is right there, on each page.

…

It's rainy February afternoon, when "The Monarch of Manhattan" gets it's own promotion in Brooklyn.

The bookstore is full with people, friends and family, reporters, curious fans, all gathered to the promotion of Daniel Humphrey's new book. As Alessandra speaks about Dan and his talent and his way of capturing emotions in a subtle way that will make you fall in love with his words, a girl walks towards the building where the bookstore is. She doesn't go inside.

Dan signs books, he poses with friends and fans as the cameras are clicking, he answers questions, clinks glasses with all of those people who are there and half of them he doesn't even know who they are.

When he finally manages to sneak out for air he spots her, standing few steps away from the bookstore, holding a red umbrella, wearing deep green knee length coat and brown high heel boots, holding a little package wrapped in a beige paper.

"Blair?" – He focuses better, still not believing his eyes. – "When did you arrive? Why didn't you come inside?"

"It's ok, I didn't want to distract you or the promotion" – She smiles. She seems different, calmer, yet still disturbed, her face is skinnier and her hair is almost long to her waist, her curls perfect as he remembers. – "Congratulations" – She says.

"Thank you" – He hesitates to move towards her, but still, he walks towards her even though it's raining. – "How are you?" – He asks and she walks a step closer to him, putting her big red umbrella above them.

"I'm ok…studying hard" – She smiles. Her face looks flawless and natural. When she smiles she quickly looks away, like she's scared to look deep into his eyes. – "I brought you a…gift, if I can call it that way" – She places the package into his hand.

"What is it?"

"Ah…" – She still keeps her hand above the package, holding against his chest. – "I wanted to just give it to you and leave, so you can open it, when I go" – He can see that she's on the edge to cry. – "You see…" – She raises her eyes, lashes a bit wet – "I really had to go away, to mature, to get over myself, and my old ways and Chuck and you and everything…I really needed it. If I stayed one more day here I'd have either kill myself or become so indifferent and say "yes" to Chuck which was equal to suicide. So my father pulled strings and…"

"I understand" – Dan says, placing his hand over hers.

"I saw The Way We Were the other day." – She changes the topic. – "And you know how much I used to avoid films that Serena thought were lovely, and…well I cried." – She smiles. – "Literally through the entire movie and I realized I don't want to wake up one day and just hear that song and…" – Her sobs are getting louder and Dan's eyes are more worried than ever. – "I mean, Hubbell is an asshole not trying to accept her and she does her best to become better for him, and all he does is just being himself, a plankton, low life…and she believes in him and…"- He swears he never saw her tears that big. – "I realized that I am Hubbell when comes to you and me, because you always believed in me and pushed me harder to be a better person…I don't think I actually had someone…a friend, person in my life who was truly faithful to me as a human being and who believed in the good that was below my surface" – She sniffs and keeps talking and Dan completely forgets that he left his book promotion just for few minutes. – "I don't want you to hate me and just think that I was the brat, because I'm not, I'm really not. I swear, since the day we started going to the movies together I was becoming a better person, and I don't count our being together for just few months….it was years…" – She sighs. – "You should go back" – She wipes the tears that keep falling down. Dan shakes his head. – "All I ever wanted was pure and simple love and I got it, just to push it away with both hands because I was stupid. So here's my diary…" – She sharply breathes in.

"No, Blair…it's not necessary, really" – His eyes are getting teary too.

"No, no" – She sniffs, unable to calm down. – "You wrote me a book… this is the least I can do and you have to read carefully to realize everything…I printed those e-mails I sent you that summer, I assume you never read them." – She removes her hand from the package and moves backwards. – "I'm sorry for ruining your day" – She manages to smile. He looks at her as if she's insane, because how she could possibly do that. He closes the space between them and hugs her tightly.

"You're such a girl" – He whispers and she smiles in between the tears. – "And you are Katie as well…You inspired two books, you pushed me to write them even if you weren't there. You believed in me, even when we used to hate each other…" – He speaks in her hair.

"I have to go" – She breaks the hug. – "Have a nice day" – She forces a smile and he can't do anything to stop her. He knows she needs more time.

….

**1. Blair Waldorf (Read ASAP)**

Dan, this is not what you think it is, please call me!

**2. Blair Waldorf (Please return my phone call)**

I'm only going to Monaco to help him…I keep ringing but you don't pick up. Please, call me. We can meet in Rome or halfway somewhere on the Cote d'Azur

**3. Blair Waldorf (I'm about to send Dorota to Brooklyn**)

She will bring you the entire chapter from my diary, Dan I swear this isn't what it looks like. I panicked so much…

**4. Blair Waldorf (There is a reason for this)**

You have to understand that he needs me. The purpose of this is not to get back together with him, please understand me and call me. I don't know what goes through your mind, but I'm not lying to you.

**5. Blair** **Waldorf (Read this)**

I've said three words, eight letters before and it burned my heart out. You know it better than anyone, I just needed time. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you!

**6. Blair Waldorf (You don't know the whole story)**

I am not breaking up with you. This foolish decision was made fast and I know how it looks like but it's not like that. I still want to be with you, Dan! Please call me!

**7. Blair Waldorf (Dan, call me)**

PLEASE!

**8. Blair Waldorf (There's an explanation)**

I'm one big mess when comes to this…I told you I'm not in love with him anymore, but I'm still weak when he asks for my help, it's a habit, I want to be with you, please call me or e-mail me, don't do anything reckless, I beg you!

**9. Blair Waldorf (Email me back)**

Dan, please?

…

He reads the e-mails probably hundredths of times, wanting to punch himself in the face or even find Chuck and repeat his actions from almost a year ago.

Her diary is a delicate notebook, he's seen it before, mint colored leather and heart shaped padlock. The key is glued with a tape on the cover. His eyes fly over her delicate handwriting, reading her deepest emotions, fears, hopes and secrets…

…_I don't know if I can express my feelings exactly how he wants to hear it. I'm mortified. What if he's the one, what if these butterflies that are ripping my guts every time we meet (and not since we are a couple, but since the movie dates I refused to write down with his full name, afraid that Serena might find this notebook and read it) it's my wake up call…I don't know how to react, it's all new to me and I have forgotten completely how it is…or maybe I never knew how it was to have fun and really laugh with a boy, feel safe and important…For god's sake, he wrote a book for me. Fictional Blair or not, he captured me, and people can say whatever they want, they can only dream someone to admire them the way D(yl)an admired B(C)air. The way he looks at me scares me to hell and makes my heart skips a beat…and I hope to God I won't make a mistake and run back to Chuck just to hide from my denied feelings… Dan's my best friend and I'd rather die than lose him…as a person in my life…._

…_.._

When they are reading the names of the Yale graduates, she stands next to her colleagues, wearing a cape and a graduation hat, happy and content, yet miserable deep inside. Dan never called, he just text her once, informing her that he read it and that it was all right, promising they'll talk when she comes back home.

Her parents are proudly taking pictures from the ceremony when the names of the graduates are pronounced, when they are throwing their hats and when the congratulation part begins.

Her mother fixes her hair, mumbling critics on her lipstick, her father hugs her firmly and Roman and Cyrus constantly remind her that she's the sunshine in the Waldorf family.

She can't help but smile when she sees Nate there. He hugs her and congrats her.

"Look who I brought with me"

…

"Congratulations" – He hugs her and gives her a single pink rose. She smiles although seeing him makes her feel dizzy. – "You're my best friend too" – He says as he hugs her firmly. - "You hurt me so much, but perhaps even if I read those e-mails back then…I'd still be an asshole…I'm Hubbell too, Blair…And I don't want to be. I don't want to give up on you!"

"Then don't"- she sighs, squeezing his neck with both of her arms.

He pulls back and looks at her. – "I won't!" – He smiles. – "Is a kiss allowed or I'll ruin your makeup? …Oh your father's here" – He realizes that Harold Waldorf is just several steps away. She grabs his chin and gently turns his head towards her and kisses him. She realizes how much she missed it when she can hear him inhale heavily. That's when unconsciously they hold on each other even tighter.

The End

**P.S I will finish "Let's get you a decent girl, Humphrey" and "Much ado about everything", I have that in mind, don't worry guys it'd be sooner than you think, I promise :D :***


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